Day 22 Light at the end!

These are the cupcakes that I made for her 3 week birthday treat for the NICU...they were chocolate fudge with cheesecake mousse filling and frosted in chocolate cream cheese icing....they were a hit :)

Olivia continues to take her feedings...and continues to take in 60 cc's on her bottles. She has been sleepier today but is still eating okay. They weighed her and she had gained only 1/2 an ounce, but at least is still on the rise.

They have given us the light at the end of the tunnel...and she will most likely come home .....

either Sunday or Monday! I am so excited...and panicking because I still had no baby things, so Emily and I hit Target today and bought a bath, and soap, and onsie's and "baby" things. I know that I shouldn't get my hopes up...but its to late for that!

They also made us register for infant CPR...it is a frightening thing to be told that you cannot take your baby home until you are certified and comfortable with infant CPR. They also keep reminding us about the increase chance for SIDS in pre-term babies and what I need to do to prevent it. I am sure there will always be more worries with my tiny little girl.

They had us bring her car seat (thank you Lynn!) up to the hospital so that she could have her test done tonight. She has to be able to keep her respiratory rate and heart rate at an acceptable level while sitting in the car seat for 2 hours. She passed her hearing test today....and so unless something unseen happens between now and tomorrow, she should be coming home!

I want it to be the celebration that it should be....3 weeks ago I thought that she had died...and then saw her fight for her life on a ventilator...and today she is thriving and beautiful and the Joy of my life! Let's Party! :)

Day 20 & 21 Happy 3rd week birthday!

Big strides for her third week birthday...Olivia loved her feedings through bottle and breast and did great! The Dr. even decided to ...............take the nose tube OUT! Yeah! She looks so different to me...she has such a beautiful face..chubby cheeks and Ryan's nose. The Dr. also decided that she could start having as much food as she wanted at her bottle feedings and guess what....she took 60 cc's! (they had been giving her only 38cc's) She continued to take in between 40 and 60 cc's for all of her feedings. Olivia also decided to start breast feeding better...much to my relief. I am starting to believe that we will be able to function like a regular mommy baby team soon.

Now for the big news....To celebrate her 3 week birthday Olivia decided to gain 5 ounces in a night! She is now 4lbs and 14 ounces! This is huge compared to losing grams for days. I could not be happier because along with the wieght gain she is acting more and more baby to me. Olivia was awake for all 5 feedings that I went for today! She had her eyes open and was alert...this is what I have been waiting 9 months for...to have a baby... to hold... and snuggle... and love on!

Days 18 & 19 Being Thankful

It is amazing what a little bit of sleep...and perspective can do for you. I am feeling a lot less dramatic...The nurses saw me crying all day and moved Olivia back into the NICU by the time I returned to the hospital that night. We are in a quiet corner and mommy is happy once more.
Olivia has been feeding a little better for me...I now have resorted to stripping all of her clothes off and harassing her before we even begin in order to wake her up.
She is still having a hard time remembering to breathe while she is nursing...Today while I was feeding her, she quit breathing and her heart rate plummeted..her nurse ran over and grabbed her up and started working on her....stinker...it scares me so bad that now while she is nursing I find myself holding my breathe watching her...to make sure she doesn't hold hers. Its not exactly the tranquil experience I wish it was, but it will be.
Olivia received all of her feeding through breast or bottle yesterday! She did wonderful...but because this burns even more calories she lost weight again..They said that hopefully if she does it again today she can get her feeding tube removed! So now my prayers are going to be directed at her gaining weight so that she can come home!
I had a thought as I was waiting out the ice storm that we had...I was not able to go to the hospital for my usual 9 pm and 6 am feeding yesterday...and so it had been the longest time I have gone without seeing Olivia..my thought was for all the mothers that have lost their babies...and they do not sit at home for a few hours missing their babies and waiting to get to see them again, but they sit at home missing and mourning their babies... and my heart breaks for them. I have always thought that this would be the ultimate loss to lose a child...and to go throughout a pregnancy and then not bring home your precious baby at all....I have never felt more empathy and sadness for these moms than I do now...when in my own little tiny way I can sort-of come to comprehend what that must feel like. And so today I do not sit here anymore feeling tired or sorry for myself...but I sit here THANKFUL and HUMBLE...and with a sense of reverence for these moms that have been in a much harder place than I hope to ever go.

Days 15 thru 18 The Good The Bad and the UGLY!

The Good: Olivia has now maintained her own temperature for 2 two days and a favorite nurse moved her into a "Big Girl" bed (an open air bed). I liked her in the isolette...it was calm, and quite, and removed from the hectic beeps of the NICU...but alas moving to a "Big Girl" bed is one more step required in order for her to come home.

The Bad: Olivia hasn't gained any weight in the last 3 days...she has actually lost a few grams the last two nights. They say that losing grams can be just a matter of a poopy diaper...but it still stresses me. The nurse also explained that Olivia has done a couple of things that may have affected her weight gain (or lack thereof) She has started to maintain her own temp. which requires extra calories, and also has increased her feeding to 5 to 6 times on breast or bottle and also increased amount to 40 cc's from 38 cc's. All of these factors combined may be the reason...but as a mommy wanting to feed and grow my baby it has been frustrating and hard. I feel like if I would just let them give her a bottle for all of her feedings, that we would know how much she is getting and she would probably gain weight...but then I would forever more be "pumping " and then feeding her a bottle...and I would probably lose my milk...and we would miss out on nursing forever.... for the convenience of a quick, efficient feeding of a bottle now.

The UGLY! Today as I went into the NICU Olivia had been pushed out to the regular nursery...The NICU had gotten yet more babies...(they are at there max) and because Olivia was the most stable she got pushed out...and I say "pushed" because that's just it. She was shoved into a corner, her bag of clothes and things were on the floor, her monitor was out in the middle of the room...The regular nursery is COLD and BRIGHT and NOISY! They were evaluating a new baby boy...and he screamed for an entire hour...I had no privacy what so ever as I went to nurse her...I was out in the middle of the room listening to the screaming baby...and for the second time today, she didn't nurse really at all and I had to have the nurse finish the feeding through her tube.
I sat there with her all day....the nurses that are assigned to her are now in another room.....How are they going to hear her when she cries? How will they hear an alarm if she stops breathing or chokes? How are they going to take care of her in another room...when they have a room full of higher need babies already....why if she is so stable that she doesn't need their attention but for only 5 min on every 3 hours...WHY IS SHE STILL THERE!
And so this is how it went in my head the entire day, and I sat holding her, loving her, and crying my eyes out...all day....and now I sit at home wishing I was with her...picturing her in the corner...nobody watching her...hooked up to her "feeding" ....through the tube in her nose... supposed to be being the mom to my other kids feeling deflated...and guilty..and helpless...and ungrateful....and impatient...and more guilt....and crying my eyes out....

Dayy 14 Two Weeks

In one way the two weeks we have spent in the NICU has flown by..but at the same time the life I knew before seems so foreign as if it were years ago. Priorities of mine in the past have not even made it to the "should be done at some point" list yet.

Olivia spent her 2 week birthday growing! She is now 4lbs 6 ounces! She is actually starting to look like she has chubby cheeks to me (either that or I am getting warped thinking that "tiny" is normal...the full term babies that come into the NICU look absolutely HUGE to me).

I made the NICU some of my sugar cookies..I decorated them in onsies and crowns...I am hoping that we do not see many more "week" birthday's there...One of her Doctors jokingly said to me (because of the treats) "Maybe we will be ready to discharge her about the time she starts kindergarten."

Olivia is staying awake just a little bit more before I feed her, and she did my favorite baby thing today...when they stretch and arch their little backs and put their hands up over their heads...I just love that. It is so fun to see her finally starting to act like a baby and not as much like a helpless kitten.

Our kids are showing the wear and tear signs of a house full of stress. I am sure it is so hard for them when they can't see, or touch, or know her at all. The part they see is...mommy tired and short tempered, no playdates, extra chores, extra baths, schedule upheaval... It is only a short time though. Sooner than they know mommy will be home 24 hours a day (with Olivia in for months) and have all the time in the world to clean, play and be calm.

Day 13 Just for me

I have been sad to miss out on many of Olivia's firsts...her first breath, her first cry, her first bath, her first time to open her eyes, her first touch, the first time she was held, her first bottle...and on and on. So the other day I got a little teary and thought that it will be the nurses who get to see her lose her umbilical cord...well Olivia waited for mom! Today when I went in I was changing her diaper and it was gone..I asked her nurse sadly about when she lost it...and the nurse said , "No she hasn't it was there the last time I changed her". I found her umbilical cord in her onsie...I got to see a first :) And although her nurses get to do and see a lot of her firsts..it is me, her mom that got to dream about her first, to ask God for her first...to feel her inside of me first and to love her from the "first" of eternity.

Day 12 More Babies

The NICU in McKinney is a very small unit...sometimes feeling more like a closet...like on night day 12. The NICU received another baby during my 9 pm feeding, however this time the baby was stable and the mother was the one in distress and so they did not kick me out. The down side was that when I arrived Olivia had been pushed back into a little bity corner...I could not even get her incubator open because her monitors were in the way of the door. This made me wonder how much attention she had been given...and then her nurse told me that she had not even had time to see her yet...this was 9pm and her nurse had taken over at 7pm.
With 6 babies in the NICU and 13 in the regular nursery it was a hectic, loud, bright, and cold night in the hospital..nothing like it usually is at that time. I fed Olivia and then just sat holding her, I could not bare the thought of leaving her knowing she was going to be ..as her nurse told me "on auto pilot tonight" Who tells a mom that? I know that Olivia sleeps almost all of the time, but you do not want to leave your tiny baby all night..."on auto pilot". I left around midnight knowing I had to be back up there by 6 am....I cried the whole way home.

Day 11 What's that saying about when it rains...

So Monday Brian had taken the kids to the pool to get some energy out..and so when he came to pick me up at 11 pm I encouraged him to come up and see Olivia for a min. because he had not seen her yet that day. He came up held her for 5 min. and kissed her. 4 Am Brian gets up and is immediately hit with profuse vomiting and the other...he is running a high fever and feels as if he is on his death bed. Only hours before he had kissed Olivia. I of course am stressing out now that she may get it. I get the kids off to school, run to the store to get him some crackers/juice and come back in a mad rush to anti bacteria the entire house...strip the beds, Lysol bleach clean the doorknobs, light switches, toilets, floors,clothes..you get the idea..I have 10 minutes until its time to go breastfeed Olivia when the phone rings, "Mrs. Wing, this is the school nurse..Ryan is here and he has just thrown up at lunch.." Well I would like to say that I handled it with grace and composure..the truth is I started screaming to myself and bawling. I went to pick him up, cried to the nurses that I can't have a sick child right now, checked on the girls to see if they would like to throw-up as well and brought him home.
I set them up with crackers, Sprite, and the President then left for the NICU, good luck boys.

Olivia had another great night and I was able to feed her. Because she is doing so well they have decided to up her "nipple time" to 3 feedings a day! Yeah! Now for me to juggle the schedule..things are about to get interesting. While I was happily feeding Olivia the NICU was called on a 34 weeker emergency C-section...this meant they had to kick me out.. I only got to spend 20 min. with her..the boys get me back.

I ran back to feed her at 6 pm and then again at her 9 pm feeding...which the NICU got a call for a 33 weeker emergency C-section and they had to kick me out...Brian is still un-able to keep anything down...he can't even walk. Ryan on the other hand ate 4 Popsicles, a sleeve of saltines, 2 glasses of Sprite and is hopping around the house at full speed..apparently he said it was only a tiny bit of throw-up and he was coughing before hand...I'm not sure.

My new plan of attack..because Olivia is so tiny the back to back nursing time was not successful she was just to tied out still...so I am going to have to stagger them..and then with getting the kids off to school, picking them up, dinner and bed...this is my great plan. I will now (still pumping every 2 hours)wake up at 5:30 am and go to her 6 am feeding, come home and be mom, get the kids to school...make it back for her 12 noon feeding stay and snuggle her until the kids need to be picked up, be mom dinner, bed, activities, then head back for her 9pm feeding. C-section Me-section who has time for that.

Last bit of good news..Olivia also has gone up 3 cc's she is now taking 38 cc's at a feeding!(yes, I know we are talking milliliters!)

Day 10

Olivia loves her new bed. I asked the nurse today about how much time she thinks Olivia is awake during a 24 hour stretch..she said maybe 10 min. She is sleeping better than ever, and her heart rate, pulse and respiration rates look fantastic. It is hard not to stare at them while I am holding her or watching her sleep...every little dip makes me tense but lately they have all been great and her oxygen/pulse has even stayed around %100 yeah Olivia!
She is continuing to get her daily fix of caffeine to help her nervous system (remember to breathe) and they have also started her on "Human Growth Protein" which sounds like a bad alien movie to me. Apparently it is a standard thing with premature infants. Now for the big news....
Olivia is 4 lbs. 4 ounces! She also is doing great with the breastfeeding thing. Last night she nursed on both sides about 45 min! I even burped her halfway through and she woke up for me. It was the most amazing 5 min so far. She looked at me wide eyed and just sat and listened to me. I felt so close to her. When she was looking at me she almost had an expression on her little face like she was seeing and waking up for the very first time...She then started to "root" and went back to nursing and pulling off to see my face, it was great. :)

Day 9 Bye Bye IV!

Emily made Olivia so many sweet signs to hang in her bed. She is also keeping track on a piece of paper how many mins. she has been able to see her through the glass.

Ryan unfortunately has came down with an awful cough..I guess its better now than later. We love this shot of him up on his tip-toes. They love her so much and are so sad that they will not be able to really see her or touch her until she comes home.

On Sunday morning day #9 more good news when I called...They are going to wean her off of her IV today...this means that she will be growing on breast milk alone! Her feedings are going great she is keeping almost all of her 3 ounces in 30 mins. down. They also have decided that I get to try to breastfeed her 2 times a day. I did this today and she is so sweet. She is so tiny that all of about 5 sucks and then she is out cold in a deep sleep. I play with her feet to wake her up, but then today I was reading in one of the preemie books I have that most tiny preemies grimace and are conditioned with the same response as getting a heel lance (poke for blood) as they do if you simply touch and play with their feet. This is because they were introduced to so many heel lances and pokes, that are painful, so early in their first few hours. So any other suggestions on how to keep her awake a little longer would be helpful.

Today was another first...her first blow out and I got to change it! Yeah! I need practice! I got in all over me, her on her blanket and clothes...and as soon as I had her diaper off she peed all over...I have never been more excited about a blowout in my life.

Another first...someone other than mommy and daddy got to hold her. While I was in the hospital Grandma Gayle was able to stay with the kids but had to go when I came home. Because I supposedly am not able to drive myself yet (I think this is just plain silly) The schedule has been a little much to juggle. Brian goes with me to the hospital for the day visit but at night I have been asking friends to take me over there. I know this is not convenient for them at all and I am so grateful for their kindness. I love to say goodnight to Olivia, especially when the NICU is quiet and calm. I usually stay for a few hours after my kiddo's at home have gone to bed. It is a very special bonding time for me. A truly great friend Deborah has taken on most of the rides and she came up and help Olivia today. I think she would agree, you don't really know how tiny 4 lbs. can be until you have actually held her. Emily has a baby doll that she loves named Charlie. Today she asked if Charlie was about Olivia's size. We measured and sure enough...CHarlie is exactly 16 1/2 inches and I would guess that he is about 4 lbs. This was promptly converted the first day to me as...Olivia weighs the same as 2 bags of powdered sugar!

Day 8 the best so far!

Mackenzie crocheted this hat for Olivia. She started on it feverishly the moment Olivia was born, she brought it to me the first night that she came to visit me in the hospital.

Okay day 8 is awesome! I woke and made my phone call. My new favorite nurse (because she gave me all the good news) told me that Olivia's oxygen had been turned down to room air and that she thought she would go off of it today! She also said that if she went off the oxygen that she would be able to move to an incubator..much more cozy. When I was about to hang up she added.."oh, and if you would like to bring her up some clothes she will be able to wear them today also!" I was so happy! I also was annoyed with myself for procrastinating the entire pregnancy and not buying a single baby item. I suppose that even if I had they would have never fit my tiny girl. Because I am still recovering from surgery...and darn it because Brian was there when the Dr. was giving me my dis-charge orders I have not been able to drive myself anywhere...you would think they all thought I would do something crazy like drive myself to the hospital hemorrhaging.

When I got to the hospital Olivia had been taken off of the oxygen and was moved into her new bed. She looked beautiful and finally happy. The nurse let me get her dressed and wrap her own blanket around her. Then the nurse said ...oh she even got her first bottle today.......I tried not to tear up. I really think that I should have been able to give her her first bottle.....

apparently she took half her bottle and then tired out.

Later on that day the nurse made up for the whole bottle thing and let me try to breast feed. Olivia is tiny and wears out so quickly, she latched on perfect the first try but then took about 6 sucks over the 1/2 hour we tried.

I am just overwhelmed with the fact that only a week ago I really wasn't sure that we were going to make it. What a tough and strong little spirit this! With each passing day the divinity of life becomes more apparent to me. Life is so full of modern day miracles....and we are being blessed to live one out right before our eyes. This little person weighing a whole of 4 lbs. soaking wet has already changed so much of our lives. She has taught us what real courage is. She has taught us patience, and trust. She has taught us sympathy and love and most of all she has reminded us of God's love and mercy.

Days 6 & 7 BIG steps!

With days 6 and 7 Olivia again put all of the prayers to action. She, as her Dr. said, "has finally decided that she is done with the preemie thing". On Thursday morning day 6 she was able to get her oxygen tube turned down to %23 and room air is %21. She also did more kangaroo care and this meant that mommy was in heaven! On day 6 she also started to accept most of her feeding...1 and 1/2 ounces during an 8 hour time frame dripped into her stomach...but hey its something!

I call every morning as soon as I wake up to find out how her night went and how she is doing...and for the last several mornings they have gave me good news and hope with each phone call! The big Birthday....Olivia is one week old on Friday day 7.

Because I am so thankful for this week of life, and because I am so thankful for the staff that has kept her safe and alive I decided to make Olivia a week birthday cake to give to the NICU. The cake was similar to the cake I was working on at the time the trauma happened, only much smaller :)

It was a butter yellow cake with strawberry white chocolate filling...I have decided that we will be celebrating every week birthday until she comes home. The baker in me is excited to think up new "birthday" treats to bring the NICU. (my family on the other hand will not be seeing much baking from me for a long while...maybe they will even learn to appreciate a good chocolate chip cookie when they see one!)

On day 7 Olivia has decided that she likes breast milk enough to actually digest it when they put it down her feeding tube...in fact they decided it was time to try 3 ounces in 30 min...and she did great. When they are being feed by a tube the nurses give them the feeding and then they take a syringe and insert it into her feeding tube and suck up anything that is left in her stomach to see what she actually digested. This saves the baby precious calories from spitting or throwing up. As a side note I said one night that I was concerned that all that good colostrum and breast milk from the first 6 or so feedings had gone to waste...and they said, "Oh no, actually we usually end up putting it back down there again later"...ugh gross.

Day 5 Progress!

Olivia surprised us all and on day 5 she went off of her CPAP and on to oxygen through a tube! I couldn't be happier. This was the first time I actually got to see what she looked like! Her nose had been so plugged by the respiratory help that her eyes had been sealed shut...I had never seen them. Also the CPAP is held on by a hat that covers her entire head...so although I could see that she had hair sticking out the back, I had never got to feel it or see how much. I walked into the room of the NICU and of course, again broke down sobbing...only this time it was sobs of pure relief and happiness. She was so beautiful! Her hair is dark and her eyes were wide open just gazing into mine. It is a precious moment that I will never forget. The other great thing about day 5 was that now without the complications of the CPAP I could really hold her. They said I was limited to two holdings in a 24 hour period. I was thankful for anything I could get. I have read so much about "kangaroo care" and they obliged me. I was able to snuggle her close, she was able to hear my heartbeat. When we were doing our snuggle time her numbers looked awesome. The moment she hit my skin she was out. She was so sound asleep that she resembled her dad...mouth open drooling all over the place (only her drooling smelled so sweet).

I am truly thankful for each baby step she has taken. Prayers have real power!

Day #4 Mommy has to go home

Day # 4 brought some good news and some hard to take facts. I was being discharged. How was I supposed to leave my baby here and go home returning to normal life? I couldn't...and yet I knew that I didn't want her to come home, she was too little, needed too much help. I could stay until midnight...and I did. My Dr. whom I love and adore, didn't even make it over until about 10:30 that night and then we went to visit with Olivia...still only able to touch her hand. Olivia made it to the CPAP! She was still getting 40 percent Oxygen and 20 breathes per min. but was making progress. Her blood had stayed steady so they were not going to do the transfusion, and because of no Ventilator..she did not need to be transferred...YET. In the NICU they are always careful to not let you think that they are over anything. They are quick to tell you that your baby could go back at anytime. They say they take 2 steps forward and 1 step back. Olivia was improving and so that gave me the courage to leave her, but let me tell you it was not only heart breaking, but left us (Brian and I) feeling empty and lonely for her. This is the little person that I had held with me for nearly 9 months now. The little person I would lay down with at night and "snuggle" as I feel asleep each night feeling her stretch and wiggle and move. This is the little person that we had dreamed about and longed for and needed in our family. You know what the NICU needs...web cams! Why has this not been thought of? We made it home in 25 degree weather at 1 am.

A day of worst case scenarios

Day #3 of Olivia's life was met with the worst case scenario's given from her Dr. Dr. Jan came to my room Sunday and said he wanted to give it all to me straight. He said they do not believe in candy coating anything to the parents, that it was not helpful. Dr. Jan said that after being Ventilated twice that if Olivia had to go back on the Ventilator today that she would need to be transferred to a Level 3 NICU in Plano - that they would need her somewhere they could provide her with long-term care in this way. This would mean that she would be in a different hospital...30 min. away from me. He also said that just as I had lost a lot of blood that so had Olivia...Apparently at the end, my body started sucking blood back into itself from Olivia to survive. He said that she was just on the verge of needing a blood transfusion and that we would check her levels again in the morning to see what should be done. They also were running an ultrasound of her brain, and would let us know if they saw anything....and furthermore they need to do an echo of her heart to see if the hole babies are all born with...was too big and did not close a little because of her age. They thought this might be a possibility of why she was having such a hard time controlling her respiration's. Needless to say, this was painful and scary to hear...My heart was aching for this little tiny piece of me fighting so hard. They kept telling me that she was going to be fine...but with all of this "what ifs" I was sinking into a tunnel of despair and worry...I needed to have faith and I knew that...but it was hard. I found myself not wanting to talk or move..just gaze out the window and plead to God to heal my baby.

Olivia's first hat

Mackenzie crocheted a couple of hats for Olivia. Here is a picture of her wearing one of them. Olivia is in an incubator now. She looks better and better each time we visit her. Yesterday, Jan. 16th, her weight was 4 lbs 1 ounce, so she's 1 ounce heavier than when she was born on Jan. 9th. She also had her first bottle today. She's making great progress.

Amazing Journeys

It is really with a full heart that I post this first post in the family blog. On Friday January 9, baby Olivia in a very traumatic and eventful way was greeted into this world.

The day had been very normal, I had started my day normally and then picked the kids up at 1pm for their half day out. Emily had a friend over and I was decorating a birthday cake for a two years old's party the next day. It was going to be a great cake by the way...pink and purple polka dots with ribbon and roses...anyway I had just been laying down feeling Olivia kick and move...the highlight of most days...she was very active and happy. I went back to the kitchen table to finish making some ribbon roses for the cake I was sitting uneventful for quite some time when suddenly I felt a huge gush...I thought for a mere second that my water had broken...however when I looked down I was gushing blood. It was not stopping and more blood than I have ever seen. I continued to gush as I ran frantically to get some towels. I started yelling to Mackenzie, "help, help, MacKenzie 911...you have to help mommy...were is my cell phone, please Mackenzie help me...I have to go I have to go to the hospital...it's an emergency, you will have to take care of things...make phone calls do something I have to go now!" In my head I thought the only reason for such a sudden gushing of blood meant that the placenta had separated and that my Olivia was now going with out oxygen and maybe drowning in her womb. I was terrified, and I am sure I left the kids that way also. I jumped in the van and headed to the hospital...I started making phone calls...anyone in my phone memory...my mom, my friends I knew that I had to find someone to help my kids. Meanwhile I am still gushing blood..all over. I called Brian whom I assumed was at work i another city. He said, "Where are you going..." I told him McKinney Hospital, and he said which way? I at the time thought this was a little annoying because in my head it didn't matter I just had to get there. When I told him he said OK. A min. later I looked in my rear view mirror...and Brian was directly behind me.

He had just happened to be in McKinney to go look at a crib. God is with us! At that moment I was suddenly aware that I was getting very dizzy and was going to faint.... I pulled over on the highway, and jumped in his car. Still bleeding every where. He drove like a father would...ran red lights, drove over cones and barriers...and we got to the ER. It is amazing that when we got there they were not in as big of a hurry as I was...I started screaming at them (I'm sure it was only about 30 seconds) They took my back and immediately put in IV lines in both arms...and rushed me up to labor and delivery. Upstairs they immediately put a monitor on Olivia...she was alive! And not only that she was not in distress...her heart rate was perfect and she even kicked the monitor. I took my first breath since I saw the blood....

My Doctor just happened, she said, to be still at her office..I learned later that she was tired and just didn't feel like going on to the next hospital yet..she wanted to sit down and eat a snack and rest for a min. That meant that she was only across the street, within walking distance. She was there in an instant. They decided that they needed to find out where the blood was coming from...(sparing you the gory details) the blood was too much and clotting and my dear Dr. said, "As long as you look good and Olivia looks good lets go get her out of there and do a C-section right now." I, of course whole heartily agreed. They took me right back and started prepping me for a normal C-section. I sat up and they started to numb my back for a spinal. I had had two needles and the catheter put in and my Dr. who was scrubbing her hands and talking to Brian said that in the background of the OR she heard Olivia's heart rate begin to fall...and fall. I also started to de-cell. That is when a real real emergency continued. She shouted that Olivia was down to 75 beats (from 145) and she immediately had me down on the table...Brian kicked out and down the hall...."Jamie take two deep breathes...that's right nice and deep...." "Please Dr. Allen just get her out alive!"

I woke up about two hours later. "Is she alive...Yes!" "How big is she.....4 lbs"...I took my second breathe since it all began.

Olivia apparently came out fighting...she was kicking and screaming. However she could not breathe on her own and had to be ventilated. I was trying to recover and about 12 hours later I tried to go see her. I sat up and tried my best but was too dizzy and sick...it broke my heart. I tried again about 6 hours later...They wheeled me in. My first time to see Olivia, she was on a ventilator, she had been sedated, and the nurse had her tiny foot bent and was scraping out blood to do test. I cried and cried...and then I said "Brian I am going to pass out..no really Brian I am going" I remember feeling like I didn't want anyone to bother me any more...I saw the births of my other children flash before me and I was feeling very peaceful....I heard them telling me to take a big breath and they had that smelling stuff...my thoughts were please just let me rest. I didn't and I took a breathe...they grab my wheel chair and ran down the hospital...full run. They picked me up and put in bed and started to work on me. I ended up losing a lot of blood and they told me that I had to have transfusion...(I will spare you my thought about that...) But the one thing I demanded is that I have a priesthood blessing before the transfusion. I know that God lives....I know that he answers our prayers...I know that God is loving and hears our deepest needs.

I got the transfusion, with no apparent reactions. I am thankful for that. In another 24 hours I was able to go back and see my sweet, tiny most precious Olivia who was beginning her own fight.