It is amazing what a little bit of sleep...and perspective can do for you. I am feeling a lot less dramatic...The nurses saw me crying all day and moved Olivia back into the NICU by the time I returned to the hospital that night. We are in a quiet corner and mommy is happy once more.
Olivia has been feeding a little better for me...I now have resorted to stripping all of her clothes off and harassing her before we even begin in order to wake her up.
She is still having a hard time remembering to breathe while she is nursing...Today while I was feeding her, she quit breathing and her heart rate plummeted..her nurse ran over and grabbed her up and started working on her....stinker...it scares me so bad that now while she is nursing I find myself holding my breathe watching her...to make sure she doesn't hold hers. Its not exactly the tranquil experience I wish it was, but it will be.
Olivia received all of her feeding through breast or bottle yesterday! She did wonderful...but because this burns even more calories she lost weight again..They said that hopefully if she does it again today she can get her feeding tube removed! So now my prayers are going to be directed at her gaining weight so that she can come home!
I had a thought as I was waiting out the ice storm that we had...I was not able to go to the hospital for my usual 9 pm and 6 am feeding yesterday...and so it had been the longest time I have gone without seeing Olivia..my thought was for all the mothers that have lost their babies...and they do not sit at home for a few hours missing their babies and waiting to get to see them again, but they sit at home missing and mourning their babies... and my heart breaks for them. I have always thought that this would be the ultimate loss to lose a child...and to go throughout a pregnancy and then not bring home your precious baby at all....I have never felt more empathy and sadness for these moms than I do now...when in my own little tiny way I can sort-of come to comprehend what that must feel like. And so today I do not sit here anymore feeling tired or sorry for myself...but I sit here THANKFUL and HUMBLE...and with a sense of reverence for these moms that have been in a much harder place than I hope to ever go.
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16 years ago
I don't tell many people about the days when I saw babies pass away in the NICU. Or the times we heard mortuaries calling to pick up the bodies while we checked in to see our little guy. It truly is an experience to be in this situation and realize that it could be much worse. I would leave the NICU those days sad but so thankful, just as you explained. And on the HUGE upbeat note, holy cow Olivia!! Taking all her feedings is awesome. She will be home so soon. It was only days of taking all his feedings by mouth that Mattie came home. I don't even think it was a week.
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