Day #4 Mommy has to go home

Day # 4 brought some good news and some hard to take facts. I was being discharged. How was I supposed to leave my baby here and go home returning to normal life? I couldn't...and yet I knew that I didn't want her to come home, she was too little, needed too much help. I could stay until midnight...and I did. My Dr. whom I love and adore, didn't even make it over until about 10:30 that night and then we went to visit with Olivia...still only able to touch her hand. Olivia made it to the CPAP! She was still getting 40 percent Oxygen and 20 breathes per min. but was making progress. Her blood had stayed steady so they were not going to do the transfusion, and because of no Ventilator..she did not need to be transferred...YET. In the NICU they are always careful to not let you think that they are over anything. They are quick to tell you that your baby could go back at anytime. They say they take 2 steps forward and 1 step back. Olivia was improving and so that gave me the courage to leave her, but let me tell you it was not only heart breaking, but left us (Brian and I) feeling empty and lonely for her. This is the little person that I had held with me for nearly 9 months now. The little person I would lay down with at night and "snuggle" as I feel asleep each night feeling her stretch and wiggle and move. This is the little person that we had dreamed about and longed for and needed in our family. You know what the NICU needs...web cams! Why has this not been thought of? We made it home in 25 degree weather at 1 am.