The Good: Olivia has now maintained her own temperature for 2 two days and a favorite nurse moved her into a "Big Girl" bed (an open air bed). I liked her in the isolette...it was calm, and quite, and removed from the hectic beeps of the NICU...but alas moving to a "Big Girl" bed is one more step required in order for her to come home.
The Bad: Olivia hasn't gained any weight in the last 3 days...she has actually lost a few grams the last two nights. They say that losing grams can be just a matter of a poopy diaper...but it still stresses me. The nurse also explained that Olivia has done a couple of things that may have affected her weight gain (or lack thereof) She has started to maintain her own temp. which requires extra calories, and also has increased her feeding to 5 to 6 times on breast or bottle and also increased amount to 40 cc's from 38 cc's. All of these factors combined may be the reason...but as a mommy wanting to feed and grow my baby it has been frustrating and hard. I feel like if I would just let them give her a bottle for all of her feedings, that we would know how much she is getting and she would probably gain weight...but then I would forever more be "pumping " and then feeding her a bottle...and I would probably lose my milk...and we would miss out on nursing forever.... for the convenience of a quick, efficient feeding of a bottle now.
The UGLY! Today as I went into the NICU Olivia had been pushed out to the regular nursery...The NICU had gotten yet more babies...(they are at there max) and because Olivia was the most stable she got pushed out...and I say "pushed" because that's just it. She was shoved into a corner, her bag of clothes and things were on the floor, her monitor was out in the middle of the room...The regular nursery is COLD and BRIGHT and NOISY! They were evaluating a new baby boy...and he screamed for an entire hour...I had no privacy what so ever as I went to nurse her...I was out in the middle of the room listening to the screaming baby...and for the second time today, she didn't nurse really at all and I had to have the nurse finish the feeding through her tube.
I sat there with her all day....the nurses that are assigned to her are now in another room.....How are they going to hear her when she cries? How will they hear an alarm if she stops breathing or chokes? How are they going to take care of her in another room...when they have a room full of higher need babies already....why if she is so stable that she doesn't need their attention but for only 5 min on every 3 hours...WHY IS SHE STILL THERE!
And so this is how it went in my head the entire day, and I sat holding her, loving her, and crying my eyes out...all day....and now I sit at home wishing I was with her...picturing her in the corner...nobody watching her...hooked up to her "feeding" ....through the tube in her nose... supposed to be being the mom to my other kids feeling deflated...and guilty..and helpless...and ungrateful....and impatient...and more guilt....and crying my eyes out....
new blog
16 years ago
I fell so bad that you are going through all the same things I did. Your explanation is dead on. I felt all those things and did a lot of crying. A kind RT once told I shouldn't feel bad for complaining about Matthew's care. I felt and acted like a great mom who wants what is best for their child. You are the same way. Just keep plugging along and let her have time to catch up. We spent weeks and weeks going from 3 and 4 feedings. She just needs her time to figure it all out and she will very soon. Remember to refresh the cuddle doll every couple days. She smells you even if you aren't holding her, she thinks you are there.
ReplyDeleteOh, bless your heart! So many prayers are coming your way from us! Our NICU time helped me to more fully realize what 'enduring to the end' really means. It feels like the end (going home with your precious baby) will never come, but it will and your family will be so grateful to have that precious, wonderful baby finally at home. Praying for all of you!!
ReplyDeleteOh, Jamie! My heart aches for you and what you're going through. I just want to reach out and hug you and help you with your family at home so you can stay with Olivia. Is your Mom still there? Are you getting any help? I'm praying for you and it will all work out -- you'll see. Hang in there -- you'll make it. I know you.
ReplyDelete