Stressed..but in LOVE!

Having Olivia home is both wonderful and terrifying. She is so absolutely perfect and sweet and beautiful...I find myself just studying every inch of her. She has long hair in the back...so long that you could make a tiny pony tail. She definitely has Ryan's nose....Emily's lips...and Mackenzie's laid back attitude..at least so far. When I brought her home form the NICU I was worried that she might not like me holding her a bunch, because she was not used to it...for her first 3 weeks she was only held for about 10 min every 3 hours during "touch times" unless I was there...But she has figured it out...every time I have put her down today within about 10 min. she is wiggling and when I pick her up she just melts in my arms and is asleep again.

Drama...she is having so many "turning blue" episodes while eating... She gulps and eats and doesn't take a breathe...then takes too big of a breathe, and then chokes, and holds her breathe until she goes blue in the face and limp. It is terrifying and makes me second guess myself and my ability to take care of her. She had 4 blue episodes yesterday and I was crying (favorite past time as of late) and thinking of the worst case scenarios...like not getting her to breathe one of these times...or her aspirating the milk into her lungs and getting pneumonia....and at that moment...Ryan's cough is back and worse than ever...in fact he sounds horrible and was crying at everything after school...he was so upset and crying that he had to practice piano (not like him)that he was sent to time out and ended up coughing so badly that he vomited all over my bathroom. At this point I knew he was really sick...had a fever...I called Brian...it went something like this..
"COME HOME NOW!" Remember I am at this point still in the middle of a "blue episode"..Brian took him to the after hours clinic and Ryan has Bronchitis and an ear infection...lucky for us it's not what I feared RSV or FLU.
Now here is where God always intervenes for me...I do not know why he is so kind to me when I lack faith so often....The Lactation nurse from the NICU called me at that moment to help...I cried to her and she talked to me for about 20 min. giving several reasons to be thankful and ways to help the "blue" episodes. I am so thankful that God knows me...however scared, and weak, and impatient I am...God forgives and loves and guides me...without fail.
Olivia has now had 4 successful feedings without turning blue....and today at the Dr. office she weighed 5lbs 4 ounces! And her lungs were clear!